


the other white meat

by thunderylee



Category: Kanjani8 (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-21
Updated: 2010-06-21
Packaged: 2019-01-30 19:03:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12659496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunderylee/pseuds/thunderylee
Summary: There comes a point when you’re not playing house anymore.





	the other white meat

**Author's Note:**

> reposted from agck. written for k8_exchange 2010.

It’s a few days after Christmas when a crash sounds from Ryo’s living room, followed by some muffled swearing and the sounds of someone who’s unsuccessfully trying to be quiet. The few brain cells that are actually awake – and not filled with rage at being roused – consider the possibility of a burglar, but as he becomes more conscious he realizes that it’s most likely someone with a key who for whatever reason couldn’t stumble through his _own_ front door in the middle of the night.

He rests easier now that he doesn’t have to protect his turf, but something is still nagging at him, enough to keep him from peacefully returning to sleep. Since he’s up, for the most part, he figures he may as well greet his uninvited guest and practically falls out of bed, stumbling down the hall and knocking into every sharp surface in his path.

“Unless you’re Santa Claus bringing me a shit-ton of presents, you better have a good reason for being here,” he mutters as he makes the grand effort to pry open his eyes.

At the familiar face with the unfamiliar expression, Ryo is suddenly wide awake. His unexpected late-night visitor is far from Santa Claus but he has a bag slung over his shoulder, and the only red thing is his eyes. It’s also the only thing that stops Ryo from making ‘ho ho ho’ jokes.

“Uchi, are you-”

“I’m sorry to intrude at such a late hour,” Uchi rushes to say, faking a smile. “Do you think I could maybe stay here tonight? Or… for a few days.”

Ryo blinks, his mind blank. “Yeah, of course.”

“Thanks.” Uchi breezes past Ryo, taking up a lot less space than Ryo remembers, and all he can do is stand aside and watch him move. “I won’t be in your way, I promise. I know you have work with Eito right now. You won’t even know I’m here.”

“Uchi,” Ryo says sternly, coming off more authoritative than intended due to his deep morning voice. “Did something happen…”

Uchi’s pleading eyes are what lead him to trail off, simply nodding and stalling with a conveniently-timed yawn.

“You know where everything is,” he adds casually.

“Yeah,” Uchi says distractedly, dropping his bag on the floor as he wrinkles his nose at Ryo’s couch. “Do I really have to sleep on this?”

Ryo rolls his eyes. “For someone who _woke me up_ , you sure ask a lot,” he chastises, but he’s already resigned himself to half of his bed.

He pretends not to notice Uchi curling up against his back, and thankfully he’s asleep before the first muffled sob.

*

The holiday blows by in a blur, as they always do regardless of whom he’s singing with. This year he’s in Osaka, hours away from his apartment and specifically Uchi. For once the timing is actually in his favor; hopefully Uchi will have whatever shit he has sorted by the time he gets back. Barring that, he should at least have his _emo_ sorted.

Ryo doesn’t handle crying girls very well. Uchi is included in this category.

He actually doesn’t even spare a passing thought to Uchi running up his gas bill and eating his food until the day he’s scheduled to come back. By a sheer stroke of luck he reaches the Osaka train station early, with more than enough time to grab a cup of coffee and relax after a long week of working hard.

He’s so lost in his rarely-indulged thoughts that he doesn’t notice the waitress trying to get his attention until a straw wrapper is blown at his nose. He starts to question the professionalism of this establishment, but then he focuses on her and can’t help but smile.

Speaking of female Uchi. Ryo had forgotten that Uchi’s younger sister worked at this restaurant, bright-eyed and bubbly just like her brother (only much cuter). Uchi Aoi looks exactly the same now as the last time Ryo saw her, which was only a few months ago at Uchi’s birthday party, but with the noticeable exception of unnatural worry in her eyes.

“He’s with you, right?” she asks quietly, like she would get in trouble if someone overheard.

“Who, your brother?” Ryo replies, leaning forward to keep the secret. “Yeah, I mean, he was there when I left.”

Aoi sighs in relief, a genuine smile crossing her face. “Oh, good. Thank you _so much_ for taking care of him.”

“Didn’t he contact you?” Ryo asks incredulously. Uchi is more attached to his family than anyone he knows. “I don’t know what happened, but-”

“ _What_?!” the shrill voice makes him jump. “He didn’t tell you?”

“I had to leave!” Ryo replies defensively, cowering from the way perfectly shaped eyebrows are narrowed at him. “He showed up at two in the morning when I had to catch the bullet train at six. We didn’t exactly have time to catch up and share our _feelings_.”

“Dad kicked him out,” Aoi says tonelessly. “And I’m not allowed to contact him or I’m not welcome there either.”

Now it’s Ryo’s turn for outrageous squawking. “ _What_?!”

“Be quiet, please,” she hisses, and Ryo bites back the retort that she had been louder. “The last thing I need is to lose my job.”

“What _happened_?” Ryo whispers, shaking his head in disbelief. “I-I had no idea he even had problems with your dad.”

“He didn’t.” Aoi pauses, pursing her lips as she folds a napkin. “He thought Dad would take it well, that he would still love him anyway.”

“What are you talking about?” Ryo demands, his anger boiling. He’s going to _kill_ Uchi when he gets home for leaving him out of whatever was important enough to get him kicked out of his loving-

“That he’s _gay_ , Ryo-kun,” Aoi says bluntly. “Did you think I didn’t know? I was the _first_ person he told, thank you very much.”

All of Ryo’s rage fizzles out into nothing, his energy completely gone as he just sits dumbfounded. “Gay?”

“Oh, my god.” The rushed breath catches Ryo’s attention, forcing him to look up into big, apologetic eyes. “You didn’t know.”

“I didn’t know,” Ryo repeats, then shrugs. “I’m not really surprised, to be honest.”

“Are you serious?” Aoi exclaims, scooting into the other side of the booth and gaping at him. “I always thought that… you know…”

Ryo’s face falls into his hands, his thumbs rubbing at his suddenly aching temples. There isn’t enough coffee in Osaka to deal with this right now. “You thought what.”

He already knows the answer before she even says it. “I thought that you two were _together_.”

The urge to bang his forehead against the table increases, but all he does is shake his head. He can’t even comprehend something like that, won’t let himself think on it any further. He hears the announcement over the sound of his heartbeat and has never before been so grateful for an early train.

“I have to go,” is all he says, throwing down a couple bills that more than cover his tab. “Keep the change.”

Aoi’s eyes grow wide. “Ryo-kun.”

“Put it with your savings,” Ryo instructs her, purposely not looking at her as he gets up. “To get out of that horrible man’s house.”

He can only imagine her frown – she’s a daddy’s girl as much as Uchi is a mama’s boy – but Ryo doesn’t care. His fists clench as he strides towards the platform, his blood boiling at the situation that he can do nothing about. It doesn’t matter to him one bit where Uchi prefers to stick it, and it shouldn’t matter to anyone else either, particularly his father who is supposed to love him unconditionally.

The ride home calms him down, and he’s happier than usual when Uchi’s smiling face surprises him at the Tokyo station.

Ryo never wants to see him sad again, and if it means keeping a secret – even from Uchi himself – then so be it.

*

Living with Uchi isn’t such a bad deal. He cooks, cleans, and brings a little _flair_ to Ryo’s otherwise drab bachelor pad.

“What is that,” Ryo asks tonelessly as he points at the canvas above the TV that looks like someone – possibly on drugs – just flung a paint palette at it.

“That,” Uchi says dramatically, flipping his bangs out of his eyes, “is _art_.”

Ryo raises an eyebrow.

“I think it gives this room personality,” Uchi goes on.

“This whole place has enough personality with your shit everywhere,” Ryo comments. “That picture just makes me dizzy.”

Uchi pouts. Noticeably. “It’s a present for you, to thank you for taking me in. You don’t like it?”

Now Ryo just feels guilty. He squints at the picture and tries to find something to like about it. “It’s very… swirly.”

“It’s _abstract_ ,” Uchi explains. “Like emotions.”

Ryo is pretty sure that Uchi is _abstract_ enough for the both of them. “Thank you,” he says politely.

Uchi beams. “I promise as soon as I’m done with my solo concert, I will look for my own place.”

“You don’t have to,” Ryo mumbles, staring harder at the picture so that he doesn’t have to see the look on Uchi’s face. “I mean, don’t rush. Whenever is a good time.”

For a second he thinks Uchi is going to hug him, and the concept that it’s worth _noting_ is puzzling and terrifying at the same time. Thankfully Uchi stays where he is, his reaction inaudible while Ryo struggles not to focus on him out of his peripheral vision.

“Thanks, Ryo,” Uchi finally says, shuffling his feet on the floor. “I’ll give you rent and stuff.”

“Not necessary.” Ryo bites his tongue not to go on and presume that Uchi needs the money more than he does. “Just clean up after yourself and stay out of my way.”

“Got it.” A hand claps on Ryo’s shoulder, lifting after an involuntary cringe that Ryo immediately wishes he could take back. “You’re a good friend, Ryo-chan.”

Ryo doesn’t quite lay awake at night, but those words weigh heavy on his mind because he can’t understand why they sting.

*

“So how’s married life, Ryo-chan?” Ohkura asks at the next ‘brainstorming session’, which usually ends up less about work and more about hanging out during these long spells of inactivity. Particularly if there’s alcohol involved.

Ryo thinks about throwing his half-eaten snack at Ohkura’s head, then realizes that would probably please the younger man – free food. “Shut up,” he says instead.

“Not putting out, eh?” Subaru joins in from behind him, draping over the back of the chair and leaning their heads together. “Uchi sure has changed, hasn’t he?”

Rolling his eyes, Ryo keeps eating. It does not go unnoticed that he has no desire to flinch when Subaru touches him. He’s never been more aware of the close proximity of his friends, what’s required of his job as well as just how comfortable they are around each other. There hasn’t been a reason for it to bother him before.

As Subaru squeezes his neck, Ryo wonders what the reason is when it comes to Uchi.

“You look thoughtful,” Yasu comments, plopping down next to him with a beer for both. Ryo accepts with a grunt, which he supposes could be taken as a response to Yasu’s presumption as well. This is about the point where they give up trying to focus on anything productive, what with Yoko (unsuccessfully) hitting on the waitress and Hina and Maru unsubtly plotting how to sabotage his attempts from behind a pitcher.

It’s times like these that Ryo wonders if anything would be different if Uchi were still here, in the group. Not that anything is stopping him from bringing his new roommate along on these outings; it’s not forbidden or anything. He wonders how Uchi would feel about it, if it would be like any other time they’ve all gotten together or if it would be uncomfortable for him.

It’s not like they’re actually getting any work done, anyway. Even if that has nothing to do with Ryo’s reluctance to pick up his phone and send off a message.

“Want to talk about it?” Yasu prompts, twisting off his cap and taking the longest swig known to man. For such a small guy, he can sure put it away.

“I don’t know where to start,” Ryo admits, and it’s true. He’s not about to go around blabbing Uchi’s business, particularly since Uchi doesn’t know that Ryo knows, but perhaps Yasu could be of some cryptic assistance – assuming that he can put his apprehensions into words.

“Uchi,” Yasu says. It’s a statement, one that’s followed by a grin because something on Ryo’s face tells him he’s right. “He’s going to be _fine_ , don’t worry so much.”

“Is it worrying?” Ryo thinks out loud. That doesn’t make sense at all. He _does_ care about Uchi, more than most people in his life, but that shouldn’t make him want to keep his distance.

“Possibly,” Yasu says slowly, scrutinizing Ryo’s face. “Is he getting on your nerves yet? We’ve been taking bets over how long it takes for you to kick him out.”

“I’m not going to kick him out,” Ryo says sternly. “If there’s a problem, we can work things out like adults. We’re not troublesome brats anymore.”

“Lies,” Subaru chimes in from where he’s still doing his imitation of a spider monkey. “You both will always be troublesome brats.”

Snorting at him almost makes Ryo miss the look on Yasu’s face, which tells him that the other has put together the pieces long before Ryo even has a clue. “I hate when you do that,” he points out. “Next you’re going to say that I need to figure it out on my own.”

Yasu looks smug. “As long as you’re honest to yourself, everything will eventually fall into place.”

For a brief second, Ryo feels like punching him. “Okay, Buddha.”

Subaru moves from Ryo to Yasu, making a big show of rubbing Yasu’s head through his thick hair. “Give me luck!”

“You’re doing it wrong,” Hina calls out from across the tavern. “You’re supposed to rub his belly.”

Helpfully, Yasu lifts his arms to give Subaru better access. Ryo pays them no mind and sips his beer, lost in his thoughts. A few years ago, he and Uchi would have acted the same way. Now he sleeps on the couch because he’s on edge in his own bed, just the knowledge that Uchi is on the other side enough to disturb his peace.

Staring out the window into the night, he resolves to take Yasu’s advice.

*

“What about this place?” Uchi’s mouth is half full as he points to an ad in the paper. “It’s close to the station _and_ there’s free internet.”

“You don’t want free internet,” Ryo says, not bothering to look at the ad. “They cap your bandwidth.”

He jumps when the sound of paper smacking the table hits his ears. “You’re like fucking Goldilocks,” Uchi blurts out, only a hint of humor to his voice. “This one’s too small, that one’s too big, this neighborhood is bad, that neighborhood is snotty, you don’t want to have to walk through the bedroom to get to the bathroom, _Ryo_.” He huffs, leading Ryo to raise his eyes and see a frustrated look on his old friend’s face. It’s almost cute. “Which one is _just right_?”

“They all suck,” Ryo says stubbornly. “Why are you in such a rush to leave anyway?”

“You tell me,” Uchi replies, and Ryo feels like he’s been doused with cold water. “You’re the one who’s been avoiding me. I think this is the first time we’ve been in the same room in over a month.”

Ryo scratches his head. “I have work-”

“That’s not what I’m talking about and you know it,” Uchi cuts him off.

Sparing a thought to how Uchi’s grown into his temper, Ryo bites his lip to keep from smiling. That would be bad timing. “What happened at home, Uchi?”

“You already know, don’t you?” Uchi snaps back, folding his arms in disapproval.

“I want to hear it from _you_ ,” Ryo says firmly.

Uchi makes a grand show of clearing his throat. “I ‘came out’ to both of my parents-” he exaggerates the air quotes and Ryo tries not to laugh “-my father spewed some nonsense about no longer having a son, and I was helpfully assisted in putting together my belongings and escorted out of _his_ house.” He looks up with hurt eyes. “Is that good enough? Or do you require the extended after-school-special version?”

“I’m sorry,” Ryo mumbles, playing with his fingers as he puts together his words. “I had no idea you were… I feel like I should have known, but really it’s hard to tell for sure in our crowd, so I usually just end up assuming not.”

Uchi’s laugh is comforting, soothes his nerves. “Are you apologizing for me being gay or for not knowing? Because if it’s the former, I might have to kick your ass.”

“Yeah right.” Ryo rolls his eyes. “As if you could kick my ass.”

“I’m serious, though,” Uchi insists. “I thought you were better than that. I thought you would be able to accept-”

“I do!” Ryo exclaims. “I don’t care who you fuck-”

“Then why are you acting like I have some kind of plague?!” Uchi’s yelling now, fist pounding into the couch cushion with more intent behind it than Ryo would have liked. “You’re smart enough to know that it’s not some contagious disease that you can catch, and I don’t particularly care for the implication that you think there’s something _wrong_ with it-”

He’s cut off by a couch pillow smothering his face, Ryo’s last resort before Uchi makes him feel any worse for his actions (or rather, _re_ actions). It’s physically the closest they’ve been in weeks, Ryo stretched across the couch and practically in Uchi’s lap, and when Uchi starts to struggle for air Ryo lets up just enough to expose the top half of his face.

Uchi’s eyes meet his and Ryo jumps back like he was burned.

“That’s it, isn’t it,” Uchi says flatly, and Ryo’s about to smother him again until his next words ring true. “You think I’m going to try to fuck _you_.”

Ryo wants to protest, but he’s silenced by the realization that Uchi’s _right_.

“You don’t care who I fuck, as long as it’s not you,” Uchi clarifies, and Ryo feels his face burning. “Sorry to break your pretentious bubble, loverboy, but you’re not my type. I like my men tall and muscular, with deep voices, and did I mention tall?”

And just like that it’s normal again, Ryo reaching over to punch Uchi in the shoulder and not flinching when Uchi puts him in a headlock.

“Besides,” Uchi adds. “If I wanted to fuck you, I would gotten you chocolates for Valentine’s Day.”

Ryo makes a face. “At least you would be the girl.”

Laughing, Uchi keeps his arm loose around Ryo’s shoulders and reaches for the remote. “Are we okay now?”

“Yeah,” Ryo says with a heavy sigh. “We’re fine.”

“Good, because this is hard enough without my best friend being weird.” Ryo doesn’t have to look up to see Uchi’s pout. “I’m limited to talking to guys on the Internet, which is really kind of creepy, but I can’t exactly go to gay bars or ask anyone to hook me up. I don’t even know anyone who has gay friends.”

“Yasu does,” Ryo pipes up. “And I think Jin does, but they’re foreign.”

“Ugh, I don’t _want_ to be hooked up,” Uchi whines, flopping against the back of the couch in depair. “Just because two men are gay doesn’t mean they’re compatible. I mean, you know how picky I am with… everything.”

“That’s true.” Ryo shrugs. “You’re destined to be alone forever.”

Uchi makes a deflated noise. “You are not helpful.”

“Stay here as long as you want,” Ryo blurts out. “You don’t piss me off _that_ much, and you… probably need a friend right now. Or something.”

He can practically feel Uchi’s smile. “Thanks, Ryo-chan. Even if you have a gay complex, I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.”

“I don’t have a-” he starts, then chokes when Uchi throws his arms around him from behind. “Have you always been this touchy?”

“Always,” Uchi mutters into his hair. “Ever since you were young and cute.”

“I’m _still_ cute,” Ryo retorts.

Uchi doesn’t let go, and after a few seconds Ryo calms down. When he actually lets himself relax into Uchi’s embrace, it feels more natural than anything else, and _that_ is what scares him.

*

Ryo’s not stupid. He knows exactly what’s going on here. A small part of him has known it since Uchi’s sister confirmed what most of their friends have been suspecting for years, possibly even since Uchi showed up at his apartment in the middle of the night. It’s not technically lying to himself if he knows it exists and just chooses to ignore it, Ryo reasons. Even though he’s fairly sure that Yasu wouldn’t agree.

Logic (or lack thereof) aside, it hits him one day in the middle of the market on a mundane grocery trip. Ryo’s movie has wrapped up along with promotions for the latest NEWS single, which leaves him with a lot of free time and endless domestic wars with Uchi. Uchi’s dependent to an extent, having been spoiled by his mother doing necessary tasks like managing money and laundry (he only washed Ryo’s clothes _once_ before getting banned from going anywhere near his side of the closet), but he makes up for it by keeping everything organized and clean. Ryo never thought that being prissy would be _preferable_ , constantly amazed at his spotless apartment and rows of neatly-lined books and pictures.

In return, Ryo cooks. He doesn’t mind; he likes to cook, and it’s kind of nice to have someone to critique his cooking. Uchi will tell him when something doesn’t taste good, what could make it better, but mostly he makes these idiotic happy faces that has Ryo rolling his eyes while feeling like the most amazing cook in the world. It’s this feeling that he recalls while standing in the meat department at the market, wondering whether he should go with beef or chicken before deciding to just call and see what Uchi feels like having.

He has his phone flipped open when he hears a man next to him doing the same thing. A little older but still young, wearing a business suit and shaking a sheet of paper like it will make more sense that way. The writing is neat, obviously female, and Ryo is reminiscent of the first time Uchi tried to write him a grocery list. Uchi’s handwriting is obviously female too, Ryo recalls with a smirk. After Ryo returned with his helpful ‘substitutions’ for nearly everything, including ice yogurt instead of ice cream, Uchi now does his own shopping.

“I’m sorry to bother you,” the man says into the phone, and Ryo’s heart warms at the thought that he must be newly married. “Do you feel like beef or chicken tonight?”

Ryo almost drops his phone. The fact that he almost made the _exact same phone call_ (minus the apology, because anything is worth interrupting for food) seems to be twisting something in his brain as well as his heart. He wants to tell himself that he’s only calling Uchi because he doesn’t care either way, that Uchi’s tastes change with the wind and it’s perfectly acceptable for Ryo _as a good friend_ to want to make sure that Uchi won’t turn his nose up at whatever he inevitably decides on. Not that Uchi couldn’t fix himself something else, but then Ryo would feel bad and it wouldn’t be the same as eating together and-

“Oh, my god,” Ryo says out loud, stunned as the twists finally unravel.

The young husband is apologizing profusely into the phone, and Ryo can hear the displeased screech of the person on the other end even as the man hangs up. Ryo’s cringe must be noticeable, because then the man is apologizing to _him_. “My wife,” he explains. “She’s eight months pregnant and can’t do the shopping or cooking anymore, so I have to try and make something she will like.”

“Which did she choose?” Ryo asks. He feels that this is a valid question. Beef means he’s going crazy; chicken means he’s in love with Uchi.

The man chuckles. “Salmon.”

He ends up leaving Ryo standing in a pile of his own self-created conundrum, where the only thing he knows for sure is that he’s not getting salmon.

Ryo leaves with beef _and_ chicken because now both options apply.

*

Accepting his own not-entirely-straight feelings is a lot easier than Ryo expects. He’s not suddenly attracted to men, even Uchi really, at least as far as his scrawny body and long face is concerned. Physical appearance has never been what draws Ryo in to begin with. Everyone has their ‘type’, of course, but Ryo’s ‘type’ consists of someone who understands him and doesn’t piss him off. Long term means old and grey, after all.

Up until recently, Uchi would have been the _last_ person on the list. But since they’ve been cohabiting, honestly, Ryo can’t see himself with anyone else. They still rag on each other but it would be boring if they didn’t, and the thought of being careful about their words doesn’t cross either of their minds when they have something to say. Uchi will tell Ryo when he looks like shit and mock his ‘gay complex’, and Ryo constantly compares Uchi to a girl and makes jokes about Uchi’s sexuality at every opportunity. It’s inappropriate and tactless and basically the same atmosphere as it’s always been between them, the only difference being that Uchi (openly) digs guys now.

Ryo thinks it’s ironic that nothing has changed, at least on the surface. Underneath is an entirely different story; now that he’s embraced his inner Uchi-gay (as he inwardly refers to it), there are suddenly all of these _feelings_ that make him want to kick his own ass a little. Things like worrying about Uchi when he’s away at work and sharing his excitement when he comes home high from having a good show, which Ryo has experienced before to an extent, but this whole business with actually _missing_ him and feeling _lonely_ when he’s not around is a little humiliating. Particularly when he finds himself becoming irritated with his other friends because they’re _not_ Uchi.

When Yamapi just nods and sips his beer while Ryo goes on a rant about politics, he gives up and goes home. Uchi would have told him to shut his face unless he’s going to run for office and _do_ something about it, or unapologetically interrupted him with a comment about the skanky outfit of a girl who’s passing by, which is his way of implying that what Ryo’s saying is not important and he’s entirely not listening.

He also feels things like butterflies and tingles when Uchi touches him, but that’s still too shameful to acknowledge.

Jealousy, however, is much more acceptable of an emotion.

It’s not _snooping_ if it’s his computer, he justifies to himself as he checks his browser history and finds the dating site Uchi’s been using to make ‘friends’. Ryo’s eyebrows raise at some of these ‘friendly’ messages, using classy terms like ‘cherry’ and ‘flower’ and making Ryo want to laugh and punch his flat-panel at the same time. Thankfully Uchi has ignored those messages, and he’s smart enough not to put a picture on his profile, but there are several lengthy exchanges with someone who has the handle ‘OsakaMan23’. Ryo can’t think of anything more boring, particularly when he clicks on the guy’s profile and sees the generic description of every guy their age. With the exception of being newly gay, of course.

“It’s like the blind leading the blind,” Ryo mutters to himself, seeing no harm in skimming through Uchi’s messages with Boring Osaka Man. If anything, it might provide some amusement on a night when he would ordinarily be tossing a few back and making fun of late night TV. With Uchi.

Unfortunately (or fortunately) there isn’t anything juicy, just the usual getting-to-know-you conversations. Ryo is pleased that he already knows everything that Uchi tells this stranger, and his chest puffs out a little when he gets to his own introduction. According to Uchi, Ryo is a cool guy whom he’s known forever, worked with and now lives with, and ‘really supportive’ of his lifestyle. He’s fun and honest and Uchi doesn’t know what he would do without him.

Ryo’s heart swells so much that it almost overrides the sudden guilt at invading his privacy. Even if it _is_ Ryo’s computer.

There isn’t much more after that, just a transition to their actual email addresses. The dates are over a month ago; Ryo wonders if they’re still communicating. Maybe they’ve advanced to talking on the phone now, maybe Uchi has told Boring Osaka Man who he really is and what he does for a living. Or what he does for his cell phone bill and junk food money, since Ryo won’t let him pay for anything else. His mind is so filled with possibilities and what-ifs that he can’t process them clearly, not to mention he’s had a bit to drink while doing his late-night creeping and his reality morphs into a dream of riding a white horse along a never-ending field. Behind him is a tall princess with a long face and sparkly, pouty lips who gripes at him to go faster and pokes him in the belly repeatedly.

The sun pours in his eyes and it’s real, along with the poking that gets harder until Ryo flings out his arm and smacks skin. Judging by the way Uchi laughs, it couldn’t have been anywhere important.

_Uchi_. Ryo sits up and stares at the computer monitor, which isn’t asleep like it should be and brightly displays the very bottom of a long string of private emails.

“Busted,” Uchi whispers, sounding more amused than pissed off. “What do you have to say for yourself?”

Ryo’s not awake enough for propriety. “I don’t trust Internet freaks.”

“He’s a nice guy,” Uchi tells him. “We both came out around the same time so we’re sharing experiences. It’s nice to have someone to talk to who can relate.”

“Experiences?” Ryo latches onto the one word. “What experiences do you have to share?”

“Not _those_ kind, pervert.” Uchi slaps him upside the head and Ryo’s hand instantly flies to cover the sting. “Coming out, our families… fears of being accepted.”

Ryo frowns. “You can talk to me about that stuff, you know.”

Uchi’s shaking his head. “It’s not the same, Ryo. I’m sorry.”

On a certain level, Ryo understands that. On the level where he doesn’t want Uchi being alone with creepers from the Internet, he’s stubborn. “So you’re just friends, then.”

Uchi stares at him. “Do you really want to know?”

“Yes!” Ryo insists impatiently. His head is pounding for coffee. “Does he know who you are? Do you know his real name? Did you let him take your… ass flower or whatever your people call it?”

He hasn’t seen Uchi blush in _years_ , and there’s a little bit of sadistic glee to be had in the way Uchi squeals and smacks his hands to his face. “I will never get used to the thought of that.”

“Are you serious?” Ryo asks in surprise. “There’s only one way to have sex with guys, Uchi. You better get used to it or you’re not going to get laid.”

“I’m _working on it_ ,” Uchi hisses. “This is still all brand new to me. That’s why it’s good I have someone who is in the same boat.”

“So you can be wieners together?” Ryo teases, then cringes at his choice of words while Uchi laughs behind his hands. “Just don’t be careless, okay? It’s not a good idea to fall for the first guy who looks at you that way.”

“Still worrying about me,” Uchi says fondly, his arms dropping to expose a small smile on his still-pink face. “I’m grown now, Ryo-chan.”

“I just don’t want you to get hurt,” Ryo tells him, and it’s true.

Uchi reaches across him to grab the mouse and close the web page. “Don’t worry, I’m not looking for anything serious right now.”

_Good_ , Ryo thinks, but he’s too busy yawning to voice it.

It’s too early to try and figure out why his heart is flopping around in his chest, anyway.

*

More promotions and more filming going into summer, this time with Kanjani8. Ryo’s life is day after day of never a dull moment, the one consistency he’s gotten used to is coming home to… _home_. Not just an apartment filled with shit, an actual _home_ with memories and emotion radiating from the minute one walks through the door. More than once he’s been inspired to write lyrics solely based on the feeling he gets just by sitting on the couch and looking around, and he may do exactly that when he can actually put it into words.

He’s thinking about it as he returns from the last of their appearances, preoccupied with the promise of meeting up for celebratory drinks later when they’re all free. Something blocks his path and he nearly trips over it, looks down and identifies it as a box with many others surrounding it.

The emotion is completely gone from this room, and it’s the emptiest Ryo has felt since the beginning of the year. He doesn’t remember it being this _bare_ , with only his furniture and the guitars standing up in the corner under that hideous ‘abstract art’ that was technically his, a gift.

Now it’s all he has left.

“Uchi?” he calls out, carefully, nerves on edge as a thousand unlikely scenarios run through his head.

A crash sounds from the bedroom, and Uchi looks sheepish as he appears in the hallway. “Oh, Ryo. Sorry. I thought you were going out after the taping.”

“I am… later,” Ryo says slowly, staring blankly at Uchi’s face. His stupid, long, guilty face. “What is all of this?”

“I, um.” Uchi runs his hand through his hair, his bangs falling right back into his eyes. “I found another place to live.”

“I already said you don’t have to-” Ryo starts, fuming, pushing down the unfavorable feelings that threaten to rise within him. Anger is much more acceptable.

“Yes I do!” Uchi yells, in a loud voice that has Ryo a bit taken aback. “I can’t move forward if I’m standing still with you.”

“Move forward?” Ryo repeats, his own tone rising. “What are you even talking about? Speak Japanese!”

Uchi’s eyes narrow. “Nobody wants to date someone who lives with another man. We even share a _room_ , Ryo, would you be that trusting?”

Ryo thinks about his last girlfriend and how he would have felt if she was roommates with a male friend. When that doesn’t trigger anything, he thinks about it with Uchi. “I guess I can see your point…”

“You can?” Uchi sounds deflated, like he’d expected a fight. His look is incredulous as he stares at Ryo from across the room.

“Yeah,” Ryo says, folding his arms decidedly. “Do you need any help moving? I bet I could get some of the guys to come over. Tacchon’s filming all day but he would probably be useless anyway.”

“That would be… great.” Uchi swallows nervously. “Somehow I’ve accumulated a lot of crap since Christmas.”

“Because you buy everything you look at,” Ryo tells him fondly, eyeing the blank walls with regret. “And none of it matches.”

Uchi just scoffs and disappears into the bedroom, where Ryo follows him and sees more boxes. Without a word, he starts grabbing Uchi’s clothes from his closet and folding them into the boxes, the two of them packing in silence until Ryo notices the only sounds are coming from him.

When he looks up, Uchi’s face breaks his heart. “Are you really okay with this?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Ryo replies automatically, offering a supportive smile. “You’re right, you can’t keep living with me if you ever want to find someone.”

“You are unbelievable, Nishikido Ryo.”

Ryo’s eyes lift up in time to see Uchi deliver the nastiest glare he’s been on the receiving end of in a long time, then storms out of the room leaving Ryo standing bewildered while in the process of folding a sequined mesh shirt. He remains there until the _front_ door slams, which seems to snap him back to life.

He looks out the window and sees the gray skies pour down into the late afternoon. Rolling his eyes, he pulls out his phone and shoots off a mail.

_This isn’t a drama and you’re not cute at all when you resemble a drowned rat. I’m not running after you._

Something beeps from his bed and Ryo hangs his head at the realization that Uchi was actually distraught enough to leave without his phone. Resigning himself to getting soaked, he breaks into a run and barely thinks to grab his keys before he reaches the door-

-which promptly swings open and bangs him right in the face.

“ _Ow_ ,” he groans, swaying from his unbalance at the same time Uchi gasps and calls out in surprise, “Ryo-chan!”

Ryo falls to his knees, holding his nose and squeezing his eyes closed. Thankfully nothing is bleeding. “How old are you, fifteen?” he hisses through his hands.

“I-I forgot my phone,” Uchi says flatly. Ryo peeks through his fingers to see Uchi kneeling in front of him, looking concerned.

“I know, I tried to mail you,” he replies. Then he actually _looks_ at Uchi. “You’re dry.”

“I only made it to the end of the hall.” Uchi’s eyes sharpen and he huffs. “Aren’t you mad?”

“Of course I’m mad!” Ryo explodes, cringing as he lets go of his nose and faces Uchi properly. “You were just going to leave and not tell me, not even say good-bye, after all this time. But I can’t stop you, Uchi. You’re an adult, you can do what you want. If you want to leave, leave.”

Uchi just stares at him. “You’re really going to let me go.”

“I have no reason to make you stay.” Ryo stares back.

Scoffing, Uchi gets to his feet. “I guess that’s that, then.”

Ryo stays where he is as Uchi retreats to the bedroom, then returns with his phone safely in his pocket. No words are exchanged as the front door closes a second time, the footsteps on the other side fading until Ryo is certain that Uchi’s walking in the rain like an idiot. Staring at the hardwood floor, Ryo frowns as he tries to make sense of what just happened, why on earth Uchi would be so pissed at Ryo _agreeing_ that he should have his own space if he ever wanted to be with someone else.

And then it clicks. _Because he doesn’t want to be with someone else._ His eyes drift up to the ugly picture hanging on the wall and he doesn’t need Yasu to cryptically point him in the right direction this time; he already knows which way to go, in every sense of the phrase.

“Dammit,” he mutters, glaring out the window forlornly before reaching for the doorknob. He makes it out into the hallway this time, gearing up to face the bad weather when he notices a form huddled in the corner near the exit, the long face lit by the glowing display of his cell phone.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Ryo closes the distance between them and plops down on the ground, settling back against the wall and stretching casually. “What did you forget this time?”

“It’s raining really hard,” Uchi says softly, his voice almost overridden by the aforementioned rain pounding on the door. “And apparently I look ugly when I’m wet.”

A laugh escapes Ryo despite himself, and when he looks over Uchi has a small smile too, though his cheeks are shiny in streaks and Ryo sways to the side to bump him in the shoulder. “The rain would have covered up the tears, you know.”

“I’m not crying,” Uchi’s quick to defend, lifting his arm to wipe his face.

“Got something in your eye, right?” Ryo finishes for him.

Uchi sniffs. “Yeah.”

In a sudden move of instinct, Ryo turns his head to the side and grabs Uchi by the face. Uchi flinches and Ryo feels smug, very aware of what that means. The red, watery eyes are painful to look at and Ryo lowers his gaze, considering Uchi’s lips not for the first time while surreptitiously licking his own.

“Ryo,” Uchi breathes, his air tickling Ryo’s cheek. The one syllable sounds scared and excited and desperate and angry all at once, and Ryo knows exactly how he feels.

His forehead drops to Uchi’s jaw and he can feel the younger man relax, weak hands lifting to rest on Ryo’s sides in some semblance of a hug. The beginnings of a five o’clock shadow prick at his skin and it’s a brand new feeling, one he thinks he could get used to as he lifts his head once again to feel it rubbing against his nose.

“Ryo,” Uchi says again, much more calmly this time. An exhale seems to deflate him, the throb of a pulse against Ryo’s non-moving lips the only proof that it hasn’t.

It takes three false starts before Ryo gets out the one word he wants to say. “Stay.”

Uchi lets out something like a short, hysterical laugh. “Okay.”

All Ryo can think of is running around in the rain, dragging a protesting Uchi with him, so he does.

Adults get to do what they want, after all. And kisses taste better when they’re clichéd.

> *bonus*

“Did you even have another place to go?” Ryo asks later, a beer in hand and Uchi by his side, and it feels as normal as if they’ve been doing it for years.

In a way, they have.

“Actually, I did,” Uchi answers with a laugh. “I leased it for my sister with all the money I’ve been saving. But I was planning to stay there too if… well, you know.”

“Aoi-chan,” Ryo says fondly. “This is all her fault.”

To his credit, Uchi doesn’t ask. He probably already knows.

“What about Boring Osaka Man?” Ryo goes on, biting back his amusement. “I hope you won’t break his heart.”

“That never really went anywhere,” Uchi tells him. “He knew he couldn’t hold a candle to the boring Osaka man I already had.”

Ryo slugs him halfheartedly, but he can’t bring himself to be offended. He could think of worse things to be called.

“Hey, lovebirds!” Hina yells from across the bar, and it would be embarrassing if he hadn’t said the same thing to Subaru and Yasu an hour ago. “Stop being anti-social and let me and Kimi kick your scrawny asses in darts.”

“You can’t be anti-social with another person,” Uchi points out, but he’s reluctantly standing up from the booth. “Come on, Ryo, they’re both trashed. This will be an easy victory.”

Since Yoko’s seriously considering the salt shaker after one too many tequila shots, Ryo nods in agreement. “We should go easy on them. There’s probably some kind of brotherhood law against taking advantage of drunk friends.”

“Screw that, I want a free drink,” Uchi says, and Ryo feels a little proud. “Losing team buys the next round.”

“For _all of us_ ,” Ohkura inputs.

“You’re on!” Hina declares. Loudly; Yoko cringes.

All four of them are awful at darts, but Subaru and Maruyama are excellent at inappropriate distractions while Yasu and Ohkura cheat at keeping score, and Uchi gives Ryo puppy eyes until Ryo reaches for his wallet and orders them two more pitchers despite Uchi’s whines that tap beer is gross.

Even though he lost, right now Ryo feels like a winner.

Until Maruyama and Uchi start comparing ridiculous things that Ryo says while sleeping, which leads the others to chime in because they would _all know_ , but through it all, Ryo just smiles and shakes his head.

Tomorrow he thinks he’ll go buy some pork.


End file.
